Ever since I’ve been in Lancaster, I have always had the room right at the end of the corridor which is usually the biggest with the best view. I also love being on the highest floor as well but the disadvantage is that I’m closest to the boiler (I think its a boiler because I can’t imagine what else it could be) right above my room. Now it groans and creaks and the sound is so unpleasant- like someone is blending or drilling something. It happens every 5 minutes and I can’t concentrate when it sounds like Godzilla is setting up shop above my room. Nonetheless, the benefit of people watching from the highest floor with the best view supersedes the groaning of a very old boiler.
On to more irrelevant things, I have been struck hard again by boyfriend woes. Yes, I am back to wanting what I really can’t handle and do not need. Its just that everyone is so loved up these days- I can’t go out without seeing a couple being all mushy. Its so frustrating! I know most things are never what they seem like on the outside but darn it I’m a human being, a 20 year old female for that matter and I’ve got needs!
I guess what I want are the things I see, I don’ t want the pain and heart ache, I definitely don’t want someone breathing down my neck about satisfying his needs, I don’ t want to have to sacrifice my me time for some ‘we’ time. I guess I’m still selfish about most things but I do need a cuddle once in a while and it would be nice to have someone to talk endlessly on the phone with. Nonetheless, I know that if I want these things, I will have to go for the full package which right now seems to me like a lot to handle.
So I guess I’ll have to settle for gazing at Danny O’Donoghue pictures on the internet and fortunately for me since I have rekindled my flame for Luke Pasqualino I can indulge in gazing at his pictures as well. I think I’m still a Robert Pattinson girl but these two men are more than enough for now.
Acoustic version with english subtitles:
They all expect me to be the strong one
the one who does not cry
the one who does not panic
the independent one
the one who everyone thinks will be fine
I can’t even call to tell them I’m afraid
I can’t call to tell them I’ve been panicking
I can’t show them my tears
I can’t show them my shaking hands
because whenever I do
they only remind me that I’m the strong one
and that only makes me feel weaker.
My debit card is officially expired. Who knew May 2013 would come so fast? It always seemed so far away.
After years of denying the fact that I needed to talk to someone professional, I finally took the plunge today at 9:30 am precisely. I was seating in an office talking to a woman who fed me questions upon questions about my life and habits. I guess she was trying to dig deep in order to find the source of my unhappiness. I can not say she succeeded but it did feel rather nice to be talking to someone who deals with people like me for a living. I knew she was not judging me and it made me feel at ease.
She did refer me to someone else though. Not like I won’t be seeing her anymore, I’ll just be seeing her in addition to someone else.
I will admit that I went to see her today with the hopes that somehow she will make these thoughts and feelings disappear. I hoped that she would say something so profound that it would cause me to snap out of this sadistic existence into something more beautiful. She did not. I hoped she would but I did not expect her to. She repeated the same things I already knew I should be doing but I didn’t mind that. I guess I needed to hear it from someone who knew what they were talking about. I do not believe in myself anymore. I do not believe myself anymore.
So on Friday, I’ll be going to see someone else. They might prescribe something to me. I don’t know how I feel about that.
Exams are looming round the corner and I feel nothing. I have been unable to feel anything else but anxiety, fear and tiredness. I don’t long for anything.
I just want to go to the home I imagine in my head. Nothing like that which I’ve ever been a part of.
I was at my grandma's house, watching TV, late one night, when I came upon a show my family sometimes views. Its kind of like AFV only the show hosts include a bunch of big name people I haven't heard of before. Its funny, though not my favorite, but I watched it anyway, not really caring at one in the morning.
To be banished from your presence
I have felt no greater pain
for it is not you who exiled me
but the weight of my shame anchoring me to where I stand
where I have always stood
and sometimes…where I believe I will keep standing.
9 am lectures are the worst, especially when they last for two hours and the module is land law. Nonetheless I did manage to drag myself out of bed in preparation for a boring day ahead. Little did I know of the surprise that awaited all of us sleepy students in the lecture theatre.
11 am, the lecture has just ended. Suddenly we hear the voice of a male student shouting for us to not leave the lecture theatre so soon. He had something important to do. He had a song to sing for a special someone and he had chosen our very important revision lecture to do so, knowing that most of us were under the supposed obligation to attend.
He came out to the front of the hall. He didn’t look too nervous but his shaky voice gave him away. “I am going to sing a song called ‘Brighter than sunshine’ for a special person in this room” he said. We all looked around us in amazement. Was this really happening? It was.
He started singing and the entire room went quiet. He had a good voice, not perfect but enough to capture your attention. Some boys were sniggering at the back, but that’s what they do.
He finished and we all erupted into applause and whoops. He was so brave. I am very sure that I was not the only one left wondering who he made that bold gesture for.
So things like that actually do happen? I know it may sound cliché but I’ve always believed that grand gestures belonged in movies; that no one in real life could boldy profess their love for another person in the midst of expectant eyes. I guess I have been proven wrong.