The unknown I want to Know.

My older sister just left to go on a date with her first ever boyfriend. She’s 21 and she thinks she’s in love.

My younger sister on the other hand is precocious. She started dating when she was 15. Now she’s 17.

Me? Well, I’ve always been the ‘different’ one. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m 19 and I feel like I should have more life experiences than I presently do. I used to think that my problem was fear. I thought I was too afraid of allowing someone to get to know me deeply, so I stuck to that excuse.

Then I later on concluded that I was much too young to be in a relationship (I was 16) and I remained with that  until I got into University. Now I feel like I’m old enough but not exactly mature enough so I tell myself that I’m not ready.

Opportunities have presented themselves to me quite often, to embark on a ‘relationship’ with someone I usually ‘have feelings’ for, but someway or another I end up running away from it no matter how strong the desire it. Honestly, I am getting rather frustrated with myself. I can not seem to understand why it is such an issue for me to take the plunge. Just say yes. Go for the ride.

I never used to feel this way- I mean I used to, but never this intensely. Now it seems like every where I turn, I see couples hand in hand, mouth on mouth…souls entwined (hopefully) and I can’t help but feel…a bit pathetic. Weirdly enough, if I had to honestly evaluate my life right now and ask myself the crucial question of whether I’m ready to be in a relationship or not, the answer would be a resounding ‘no’.

Yet, I want it. Something I’m not ready for is what I desire now. It’s silly I know, but I’m young and not exactly living for the thrill. I know I can wait; of course I will, but in the mean time I’ll allow myself to dream. Maybe I’ll come up with new excuses such as ‘I have different priorities now’ or ‘I’m too busy with school’  who knows? One day they might be true.

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